Out of all of the different types of self-care, social and mental self-care tend to be a mostly grey area of varying shades, proportion, and approach relative to each and every person. No one practices the same types of mental and social self-care, and arguably the same can be said of the other kinds of self-care. I will be discussing the intricacies of these two specifically. Of course, there are lines to be drawn in the degrees to which we practice all forms of self-care, but especially these. I have often seen the promotion of outright terrible approaches or responses to certain situations that result in a good outcome for someone at the expense of others who are undeserving. I am going to go over what I personally recommend in social self-care practices in two different areas. The first is an example of how to ensure the well-being of yourself and others, while not at the expense of others, and the second is how to deal with toxic people in your life.

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The main thing to always consider in matters involving people that care about you is to make sure you keep yourself aware of their view towards you, rather than your view towards them. The reason for this is because we as humans are naturally narrow-minded when it comes to consideration. Simply put, as this can apply to a plethora of things, just treat others as you would like to be treated. When it comes to people that care deeply about you, the higher value you have to them is a base multiplier for how much damage you can do. A simple, common example of this is ignoring texts because you don’t want to talk. Not wanting to talk or agree with plans is fine and you are not obligated to do anything with your friends. On the flip side, if they are good friends they should understand when you tell them, “Not tonight, I’m tired,” or, “Sorry, I don’t feel like talking right now; I’ll text you later.” If they get pressed about something like that, they shouldn’t even be in your life to begin with, and that adds another benefit to this type of practice. It will weed out those who respect you and who do not; who is understanding, and who is not.

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This leads me to my “favorite” topic on self-care which is to eject toxic people out of your life. That is an actual superpower. This does not mean you should abandon people when they become difficult or when their well-being is dependent upon asking you to give them a hand, inconveniencing you in the process. Relationships, especially ones involving love, are not a smooth coast on a newly paved road. The best analogy I have for relationships with people, especially if you belong to a close group, is an Ohio back road with pothole craters every ten feet in a town whose levy hasn’t passed in thirty years, and you and your friends are carpooling on this godforsaken road while packed in a decrepit Jeep Compass that hasn’t seen the inside of an auto shop in fifteen years. It’s a fun ride since you’re in it together but you have to pull over every few days, work with one another and put up with each other’s crap to make sure the whole thing doesn’t fall apart. 

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The tricky thing about toxic people is that they are often abusive to you in ways that hurt you worse than most, yet simultaneously prohibit you from being able to point at an instance or example and say, “that’s abuse.” They come in a lot of forms like most parasites. You know who I’m talking about, and I’m sure you have met someone like this, where the very mention of their name makes your muscles tense up and your jaw clench. It might even be that you have not had bad thoughts of these people, but your body is telling you to stay the hell away from these people.

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This especially goes for you if you are a people pleaser like me, I want everyone around me to be happy, often putting their well-being above my own in priority and value. I typically take what people say at face value until they’ve gored me emotionally about twenty times. What you should keep in mind is that this is nothing to get weepy over, but still take it seriously. This is essentially the lifestyle equivalent of how-to pick-up dog crap in your yard, and it is a skill everyone must learn and master. Sometimes this comes easy for others and very difficult for people like me, and you should not think lower of yourself  if it is harder for you. 

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Usually the more difficult people have and are going through a lot, and if you’re detrimentally empathetic like me, you can’t help but feel bad. If the relationship becomes unbearably abusive, and it is not a matter of supporting them in being better as a person anymore, you have to close your heart to it. Close your heart to their desperation. Close your heart to their suffering. Do not allow yourself to feel for them. They will not feel for you. If they did, they wouldn’t be a consistent stress and emotional depravity in your life. None of this is supposed to be easy, but with each terrible person you tackle, you have an opportunity to come out of it as a better person.     

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